Every one must die! (Astrology&Humor)

Everyone dies, that’s the same for everyone. But once you’re dead, how would you react, St. Peter called me last week and gave me the rundown on how the different Astrological signs tend to react to being newly dead.

ARIES: "This is heaven, Right? So who’s in Charge, GOD? Let me speak to him. I don’t have all day. Hurry it up, what’s your name, St. Peter is it. Well let me tell you something…..”

TAURUS: The first thing Taurus realizes after leaving the body behind is they had to leave the stomach with it. St. Pete tells me he has often had a Taurus holding up the line trying to argue the logic of why the need to have the stomach, “I left my Wallet/Keys in it” is often heard. When after several months of holding the line up, it often takes an air sign (Gemini, Aquarius, or Libra) to Force the Taurus to attempt something new.

GEMINI: Gemini don’t mind the having died as long as there someone in line to tell about how cool it is to be dead; The long tunnel of light they just went through, and all the neat things they can find to add to make the story more fun to tell. There is also, I should note, a special room in heaven just for them; full of brightly colored balls, bubbles, shiny things, and people who want to hear everything.

CANCER: Cancers will mope and mope about how they KNEW that they shouldn’t have gotten out of bed, something was telling them that today was the day a piano was going to randomly fall out of the sky, and kill them. They often then will sit at the gate waiting for their mothers to come and make everything better

LEO: Leo’s don’t so much like to argue, It’s often the case that if your not in complete agreement with the Leo, then you must have not been listening. “No, I said I needed a different color robe, and these wings, don’t you have any bigger ones?” This usually last until the Leo realizes how desperately He/She is needed” Is that a choir? I bet they’ve been waiting for me to sing lead, I used to have the lead in every play in high school, did I ever tell you that.

VIRGO: Nervously the Virgo will wait in line until it’s there turn, then they politely want to know if there is anyway they can help, and what they might do to make the afterlife better for those around them. Most Virgos spend the afterlife looking for someone to pick up after so that they can feel needed. With heaven being an inherently tidy place, most Virgos find little to do but wander the golden streets and making mental notes on how things might become more efficient. The Virgo however would never mention the improvements so as to not offend anyone.

LIBRA: With only one set of pearly gates the Libra often feels uncomfortable about entering; it was only after there were several dead Libras milling about, outside, that a second gate was installed. This one marked clearly as “The Other Place **” made it possible for Libras to spend, on the average six weeks debating witch door to take before choosing to go to heaven.

SCORPIO: Scorpio is quite possible the least occurring sign at the pearly gates, when one does arrive they do not receive the prototypical question. “How’d you die? But rather, “Who was it that shot you?” After a lifetime of dark serious thoughts about death most Scorpios express disappointment that heaven isn't more like New Orleans, The disappointment fades however when they are informed that HIV and Herpes never survive the death of the body, and there off to find more sex.

SAGITTARIUS: Giggling at the stupid thing they did to warrant being dead Sagittarius is off to find the library, Never again to be seen, The Library in Heaven has only soft floppy books and padded walls to prevent All of the Sagittarius's from Hurting themselves. The books are also written on clear paper so that they can still see where they are going; although, this rarely makes a difference.

CAPRICORN: The simulation junky of the zodiac, Capricorn takes the longest of any sign to acclimate to losing the flesh. Heaven with all its sights and sounds is poor comparison to a self inflicted injury or heartache. There are groups of Capricorns sitting near the ball room in heaven wishing they could fit in. Plans to build a Capricorn room have been in the works for a millennia, but the all Capricorn comity can not decide; Where it should go, What should be in it, Or when they should have the first meeting on the subject.

AQUARIUS: Depressed by the ultimate bummer of not being, Aquarius looks immediately for some one to trip, “because a person falling is funny”. The special Aquarius room is very much like the Gemini room with two major exceptions; the brightly colored balls are heavy and sharp (so they can be effectively thrown at people looking the other way) and all of the jewelry is real.

PISCES: Taking little notice of there own death, Pisces tend to first ask, “What took you all so long to get here?” Walking on clouds is nothing new to a Pisces, the new part is having everyone else see the streets are made of gold and sun is always shining and that the world is truly a good and happy place.

**Incidentally; “The Other Place” is in reality a door to the only Deli in Heaven who makes their own “Olive Loaf” from scratch. Its exciting to watch them with there little hammers beating olives into individual slices of Baloney, even in the golden city true craftsmanshiplike that is hard to find.......