Ersatz! Thats what I want. (LOVE and the pursuit of)

Love, witch in it's infinite variety and uncountable variation in something that remains largely indescribable.

People of all sorts use the word to describe any number of reactions, both physical and psychological.

But even in the most glaringly specific terms the emotion itself can not be acutely described.

To most people, to say you are in love implies a basic understanding, but to what extent and what depth the emotion reaches is indeed different for all people.

No two people love the same way.

The fact that we say “those two people are in love” is a gross misnomer of concept. Regardless of the particulars of said relationship, there are two separate experiences of being in “love” going on; hopefully concurrently.

I love deeply, I believe that my experience inside of the emotion of “Love” is deeper than most, but having nothing to compare it to, I can not say so certain.

I have been told by women that I am “loved” but how would that emotion compare to what I describe as love.

I have never been “Loved” by a woman who was willing to give up periodically “loving” other men.

But this alone is not cause for me to believe that their love for me was not as true and pure as love might ever be, what would lead me to the arrogance to pronounce the love of another unworthy of the title of love.

It is not my place to say what is or isn't love for another. Had a woman ever taken me and my love seriously enough, perhaps I would not be alone now. Perhaps I would not be alone in this dark part of my life pondering why my love was not good enough.

Perhaps I would have less emotional baggage on my trip threw life, probably not, more than likely i would just have different baggage.

Have you ever been asked by someone; “how many times have you been in love, for real?”

What is real, where love is concerned, Love comes in so many varieties and flavorers.

There is a love I have for a girl named Brandy, It is a sexual, and tender love, but distinctly it is a love of compassion. More than anything to me, this girl brings out my drive to keep her safe. She doesn't need protecting by me anymore than any other woman I've loved. Perhaps it was her long frizzy red hair and freckles that brought out the protector in me. But for whatever reason, it is there. A Love of overwhelming compassion.

There was a girl named Meghann, Destructive though she was to me, she is always still a warm thought. Lanky and petite, with long black hair, she fit visually someplace between Bettie Page and Audry Hepburn. There was between us, precious little sexual contact, but a pile and a half of physical intimacy (and if you understand that distinction, give yourself a gold star!). We spent a lot of time together going places, places where the elite and creative hang out, we looked good together, she made me feel cool. When I was with her, I was Elvis.

Not by a long shot are these two woman the extent of my love life. I have been part of the nightmare that is love many times.

These two woman only serve as examples of how different love can be. I loved them both, part of me will always love them both. But in two completely different ways.

I have been in love many times, possibly, maybe.

It might indeed be that I was just in an Ersatz* love, a crazy “not” love brought about by close proximity to another during orgasm.

And the love claimed to me in return might also have been of the ersatz variety, having no way to experience the love of another from the inside of their thoughts, I am at a loss to know whether or not the love they had was Ersatz*.

But isn't perhaps love JUST an Ersatz*? An Ersatz* for personal fulfillment and self worth. Of not being lonely, an Ersatz* of not running out of hand lotion on a long cold Saturday night. An Ersatz* that pretends to tell us that the whole of existence is not empty and pointless?

Perhaps that is the great understanding that I have been missing, as I follow my heart into any number of emotionally damaging situations. Being dragged by the promise of “love”.

If love is just an Ersatz* for all of the things that are missing in life as it sits on it's own, could then you not disregard love in the pursuit of happiness. Learning to be happy and fulfilled on your own?

I doubt it, love, Ersatz* or not, it is crafty. It will continue to find something lacking in your life to dress itself up as. Forever the indescribable Ersatz* for whatever ales you emotionally.

I have at times gotten bitter about “Love”. Once a pretty girl was getting all flirtatious at me and I stopped her.

“Are you threating me?” I asked, with no apparent humor. That stopped her good, she stopped flirting and found some other poor guy to threaten.

I'm not always that avoidant of potential “love” even when I know full well it's most likely an Ersatz* potential love.

For sometimes I'm so lonely that the pain of another heart break seems an acceptable thing, for just a couple of days making dirty filthy monkey Ersatz* love to an Ersatz* soul mate, who will soon go back to a real life with real boys in stead of the Ersatz* man I am.

For the dream is that someday a girl will turn up who has more to offer than Ersatz* love. A girl who will love me for my heart (which is pure) and my mind (which is sharp) instead of my body (witch is soft) and my money (which is nil).
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*Ersatz – Something that is designed from incept to be a replacement for something else, but is in fact so different from the original as to not be a replacement but is instead something completely different all together.

“Margarine is Ersatz for Butter”

The word Ersatz in Green, are links to things that are Ersatz. Please enjoy.